Pairing: Kerry/Kim
Rating: M for Mature (Sexual situation)
Words: 2,484
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters have been borrowed without permission but without any intent or purpose of commercial gain.
~~~
Kim’s SUV is way too high for me. What an unfortunate thing too as I really like this car. Okay I’m in, finally. Let’s see... ignition, okay... headlights...uhumm... gas pedal... do I reach the damn thing? Uh... well, kind of...’
“New car, Kerry?”
Startled, I look up and find Luka’s sweet eyes staring at me.
“Hi Luka... uh... no, this is Kim’s”.
“Aha! You’re off for the day?”
“Yeah... finally”.
“How’s your throat doing? Abby told me you had tonsillitis again”.
“Yeah... again. Listen, can you do me favor?”
He nods, smiling.
“Can you call medicine tomorrow in the morning and make an appointment for me? I have to have these removed, I can’t handle being sick every month. Can you?”
“Gladly. No problem”.
“Okay, thanks. I’ll be here at noon tomorrow”.
“Sure. I’ll see you then”.
And he waves goodbye leaving me in the parking lot alone with this giant SUV as my mind starts wondering again. “We really need to get something else, smaller or something... this one’s way too high for me...” -I mutter to myself as I turn on the engine- “Plus, later, we might need something less sporty because of the kids...”
“Kids? Did I just say, kids?” -I say out loud.
Driving along the highway at this time of the day is hell. Way too many people on the streets. They all just want to get home. As I change lanes and signal for the next exit, all cars stop.
“Shit! What is it now?” -I say to myself.
Through the windshield I can see a bunch of swirling lights and moments later my ears register the ever present sound of sirens.
“An accident... Like I needed this...”
As I become aware of the fact that hitting the steering wheel, coursing at everyone around me and frantically changing radio stations is really not going to allow me to get home any faster, I breath heavily and recline back into the driver’s seat.
My thoughts wonder to all the phone calls, reservations and other errands I have to do if I want to have everything ready for the ceremony on time.
‘A commitment ceremony... hmm... it does sound kind of nice. Commitment... Aha! Kind of scary word in there. I mean... uh... uh... I love Kim, with all my heart but... but... commitment... commitment...’
I sit quietly and stare ahead of me without actually looking at anything in particular. Suddenly, I am reminded of Gillian.
“Gillian... nice name”.
I sigh.
‘Was this Gillian person hitting on me?’ -I rub my eyebrows in a futile effort to clear my mind; it never really works.
‘It looked like it... hmm... this is so weird... Nah... why would she be doing such a thing with a body and a face like that. First of all, we don’t know if the girl is even gay and second, even if she was, why would she be interested in me? Nah... forget it’.
My cell phone rings.
“Ker?”
My wife... I smile to the phone, “Hi baby!”
“Where are you? You’re missing Joan and Melissa’s red carpet thing!”
“Uh...I’m like seven minutes away from home, sweetie. Unfortunately there’s an accident right on the exit ramp”.
“Oh, bummer. Do you want me to tape it for you? You’re missing some outrageous outfits...”
“Nah... that’s okay. I really can’t stand those women, anyway”.
“Okay... but you don’t know what you’re missing... hurry, okay?”
“Yes love, I’ll do my best”.
“See you in a bit then”.
“Yes. You’ll see me in a bit. Bye”.
“Bye”.
And I’m alone again with the giant SUV.
~~~
Abby is sitting across from me in a booth over at Magoo’s. She’s hungrily taking bites of her tuna sandwich and staring out at the window as I do my best to control myself.
She turns and looks at me.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
I keep on staring at her without saying a word. I try to collect my thoughts but I blurt it out, “Is there anything you might want to tell me?”
“About what?” -she asks, taking another bite of her beloved sandwich.
“About Kerry and me”.
“Ah... that”.
“So, is there?”
“Kim... are you happy?”
I don’t understand her question and my brow arches hoping to induce a further explanation.
“I mean...” -she goes on- “...with Kerry...”
Now I’m really lost.
“Why... yes! Why would you ask a thing like that?”
She squirms in her seat and suddenly looks like she’s feeling a tad uncomfortable.
“Why don’t you go and ask her whatever is that you want to know instead of being here asking me?”
Another chunk of bread and tuna disappears in her mouth.
“You said you knew something I didn’t know...” -I mutter quietly.
“Yeah, so? I’m sure there are a lot of things that I know that you don’t know”.
She pauses and quizzes my face. She goes on.
“You don’t really want to know, do you?” -She adds.
Now, I’m the one feeling uncomfortable. She notices it.
“What is it, Kim?”
I look at Abby. I look at her and realize, perhaps for the first time, the honesty reflected on her brown eyes. If I didn’t love Kerry I would easily fall for this woman.
And those gorgeous brown eyes.
“Come on, Kim...”
“I know what you meant the other day...” -I volunteer in a whisper.
“And..?”
I try to talk but the same words that were stumbling to come out before now get stuck in my throat.
“You’re scared...” -she ventures.
I nod, silently. Abby’s hand leaves the sandwich, wipes itself on the napkin, flies over the table and grabs mine. Her small, soft fingers, tickle me.
“But... why?”
I look up and my eyes take a quick look at her then, they turn outwards.
“I love her Abby, with all my heart. Please don’t think that I don’t...”
“I know you do...”
“And loving her feels...” -my hand leaves Abby’s and lands on my chest, open and wide- “... like if I had never loved anyone before. It’s... it’s...”
“Overwhelming...” -she volunteers, helping me in the struggle.
“Yes... overwhelming...”
“And that scares you...”
I nod. Again. Feeling a little courageous, I go on.
“It petrifies me Abby, so much so I can’t breath. Sometimes, at home when she sleeps, I turn and look at her and my heart... hurts. It hurts when I remember how close I came to losing her, how much we have gone through together... but mostly it hurts because I feel that this is it, she’s the one. There will never be anything or anyone else, quite like her”.
“So you’re afraid of losing her or afraid of... what?”
“As much as I love her and as much as I need her I’m also afraid of having to give up a part of me...”
“I’m sorry Kim, I don’t think I understand you”.
“Listen Abby, we go through life looking for that one person that will complete us, that will or so we think, meet our every dream and every desire. If you’re lucky like me, you realize that the gift is not for free. You have to be responsible, and careful and respectful or you can loose that person. And that’s scary Abby. It’s not only scary because of the potential pain one can go through but also because of everything else that one has to give up in order to keep the gift. And it is not a labor, it’s not a sacrifice per se but at times, God! At times it’s overwhelming. At times, I’m afraid at the thought of having arrived at the end of my journey... no more dates, no more discoveries, no more first times, no more flirting... I’m afraid of fucking things up. I’m afraid at the thought of losing her in any way. I’m afraid of not being able to meet her expectations... Oh, Lord... I’m just afraid.
“Kim...”
I can’t respond to Abby as million images start racing in my head; the first time I kissed a woman, the first time I was kissed, the first time I went to a lesbian bar, the first time a woman told me that she loved me...
“Kim!”
I snap out of myself and encounter Abby’s eyes, once again.
“I think you really need to talk to Kerry. I’m sure she feels like you do too. It’s scary, I mean, it’s scary to give up on a world of opportunities and chances out there. Not easy. It’s a leap of faith, Kim. You have to be sure you want to take it. She needs you to be sure you want to take it”.
“I can’t talk to Kerry about this Abby, she’ll think that I don’t love her, she’ll be hurt and I don’t want to hurt her, Christ! I just need to take this easy... I need time to adjust to the idea. Oh, I don’t know...”
I carry Abby’s last words with me all throughout the rest of my shift.
Fortunately, the fact that Gillian is mostly downstairs in the ER, allows me the solitude I need to process the conversation with Abby.
The truth of the matter is that I am terrified at the finality of marrying Kerry.
There, I said it. Ninety something percent of me is convinced and eager to marry her, build a home with her, carry and bear children for her and grow old with the woman that has almost come to define my very existence.
But the other part of me wants to keep on having the freedom of dating and dancing and making out in movie theaters or bars. That other part of me loves the fact that I still have my own home where I can just throw anything around without having to worry about Kerry coming after me because of the mess. That other part of Kim Legaspi still wants to travel across France
Oh... I don’t know...
I don’t know.
~~~
We’re finally home and safe. I glance lazily to the den and see Kim stretched out in the couch in front of the TV watching some show. I lean down on the top of the kitchen isle to stare at her and catch the moment.
I cannot, for the life of me, get over her. It is just not her beauty, God no! It’s the mere and undeniable fact that this being, who could have chosen to be with anyone in the whole wide world, chose to be… with me. I just simply cannot get over that fact.
Because of that I will be eternally grateful. To her and to whoever or whatever force brought her to me.
I sigh.
At times like this, I feel powerless, weak. I wish I had extraordinary powers that would enable me to grant her every wish. But the sad truth is that I have no power whatsoever to accomplish such a feat. The only thing I have to give her is myself, my life. That’s all.
It is at that moment that I feel the need, the ache. That one that leaves my mouth dry and my hands wondering… looking for something they really have not lost.
I finish drying the dishes and turning off the lights, I leave the kitchen behind. I can already feel my body changing; my breathing shortening, my loins tensing. I go over her and just take her hand in mine and stare at her, not saying one word and hoping my eyes will convey the message.
They do.
And now she’s beneath me, naked. I kiss her hungrily, parting her soft but anxious lips with my tongue. I breath deeply through my nostrils and take her scent into my brain. I recognize it, I recognize us. The smell is ours, it is nothing but our desires mixed together.
She’s pressing herself against me and I retrieve my hips preventing her from obtaining the pleasure she’s seeking. I don’t want it to end just yet. I want this feeling, my feeling, our feeling to last a while longer. I need it to last a while longer.
I kiss her again and she moans; a desperate plea for me to release her aching.
In the hopes she will understand what I need, I hold her head by placing both of my hands onto the sides of her face. Her eyes are closed, the lines in her forehead are crooked in agony. The agony of me.
“Babe, open your eyes...”
She shakes her head and moans again while her hips jerk against mine. I moan too at the sudden and violent approximation.
“Honey please, open your eyes, look at me”.
“Don’t move honey, let me...”
“I have to move Ker ...” -And a divine touch ravishes me once again almost making go over the edge.
“Don’t move baby, please. I want to do it for you, I want to make you come.
Don’t move, please”.
And she stops. I kiss her again and move my lips to her ear. My ragged breathing is cut by my words, “I love you, babe...”
She nods furiously but her hips are still, resting on the bed.
It is in that precise moment when I press and thrust forward, letting my sex cover hers.
She moans harder this time as I feel the soles of her feet push against the back of my thighs, “Kerry... please...”
That does it. I cannot control myself any longer and I push hard and deep against her.
Her whole body arches to meet mine and she comes with a cry that lasts several seconds. That sound triggers me off and I come immediately afterwards, convulsing on top of her.
Afterwards, I watch her sleep. I asked her to put her pj’s on as it is a cold night and the last thing I want, is for her to get sick. She’s sleeping on her side, right arm under the pillow, left arm clutching her bear tightly. I can still feel our scents mixed in the air of the bedroom and suddenly I realize I’m not sleepy, not even tired.
I get up slowly trying not to wake her. I put my pajamas bottoms on and the worn out sweat shirt I was wearing before. I grab my crutch and quietly, head to the kitchen.
I make myself some tea and sit by the cushions on the windowsill. It is cold spring night and the wind is blowing from the lake. From my secluded position I can see the lights of boats entering the river and can hear their sirens as they approach shore.
They’re home, they’re safe.
Like me.
(End of Chapter III)
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