"Beasts Within" Chapter V (ER Fan Fiction)

Pairing: Kerry/Kim

Rating: PG

Words: 1,165

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters have been borrowed without permission but without any intent or purpose of commercial gain.

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We are home now and for the first time since we got back together, I wish we weren’t.

I wish I was somewhere else, perhaps in my own home. In my own home getting ready to go out with someone new, unknown, yet to be discovered, someone full of possibilities.

I growl at myself for thinking and feeling the way I do. But I can’t help it, too many things going on inside my head and my heart at the moment, too many confusing thoughts and feelings ever since I found that brochure. That brochure.

I got home around 3 o’clock and after changing into a much more comfortable pair of shorts and t-shirt, I walked around the house wondering what chore to tackle first. I decided to tide up things a bit as we had not had the chance to do anything in the past few days and the townhouse in all honesty, was starting to look messy. So, vacuum in tow, I started with Kerry’s office which doubles as our den and our study, for now.

And suddenly there it was, just outside the paper basket.

It was some promotional brochure sent by gaywedings.com to Kerry, about all the packages for gay and lesbian couples’ union ceremonies. Anything from the ceremony itself to ring styles to travel arrangements was there, everything.

At first I thought it was kind of cute; my Kerry in full knight paraphernalia, taking care of our wedding like any good old knight would do. Thoughts of her standing at the altar waiting for me, inundated my mind and tickled my heart.

But then, it hit me.

Am I just going to be a bystander in all this? Don’t I get to say anything about what I want, when do I want it, how do I want it? “It is my wedding too”, I muttered.

Angrily I started to inspect the heap of papers and magazines on top of Kerry’s desk and not long after, I found the rest of the promotional kit for “our” ceremony. Underneath, a legal pad on which Kerry had started a list and jotted down commentaries about possible dates, guests, package choices, honeymoon destinations. Everything was there, all ready to go, all ready to be delivered.

“I can’t believe this shit..!” -I cursed furiously.

I left everything at the desk, except for the initial brochure. Way too upset to keep on cleaning, I shoveled the vacuum back in its closet and sit for a while in front of the TV; anything to distract my mind.

An hour later, Kerry comes in the door.

After greeting me with a kiss that I’m unable to return, Kerry turns around and asks, “Kim, is there something wrong, honey?”

I pause and wonder if I should address her question for I’m way too angry to be able to answer in a coherent manner. However, there’s no time like the present.

Grabbing the brochure and slipping it out of my pocket, I ask, “What the hell is this?”

She looks at the crumpled piece of paper in my hand and gasps.

“I... uhmm... I just thought that perhaps I could start to get things moving...”

“All by yourself?” -I demand harshly.

“You were just so busy, I did not...”

“What? You didn’t want to bother me with it? What kind of game is this, were you planning to get married all by yourself?”

“Kim, I just wanted to get things going... I mean, look for information, weight out our options...”

“Are you crazy? This is my life too! Who gave you the right to decide for me, to think for me? I can’t believe this! I’m so... Gosh! I’m so angry!”

“But Kim...”

I turn to look at her, outraged. Her face is pale and there is an unmistakable look of fear in her eyes. I stand close to her now and raise the index finger of my right hand, just inches away from her face.

“We better get something straight here, Kerry. I love you, I adore you. But... you need to understand that I’m not your child. You need to understand that I am a grown up woman and that I do not appreciate any of this. You can make certain decisions for us but you need to learn that you are not, and I repeat not, entitled to decide everything for the two of us... is that clear?”

Her face resembles that of a frightened bunny. Tears well up in her eyes. Suddenly, I feel so very guilty.

“You’re right Kim. I’m sorry... I never meant...”

“I’m going jogging. I’ll be back later”.

And taking my sweat shirt, discman and house keys, I storm out.

Three hours later, I come back.

I find her in the den, asleep.

Her wet, auburn hair, shines against the light coming from the corner floor lamp. I move towards her slowly trying not to startle her from her slumber of peace. Once I’m in front of her, I kneel and look up to study her face. All puffy and red, I realize that face has been crying. That face I have seen in surprise, in delight, in pain, in struggle, in joy, in elation. This face has cried and it has, because of me.

I stand up and as I’m about to reach for the remote to turn the TV off, she awakens.

“You’re back… Kim… I wanted to apologize. I did not mean to dec…”

“It’s okay, Ker. I am sorry. I said things I should not have... I’m sorry, babe...”

And her face, again, wrinkles in tears. I lean to her and take her in my arms, her small frame clinging to me in earnest, her quiet sobs rattling my soul.

“I’m really sorry Ker, I never meant to cause you this pain... I’m sorry...”

I hug her tightly to me, feeling her breasts against mine, her arms grabbing me tightly to her, almost in an attempt to retain me there, forever.

I want, more than anything else, to reassure her that I’m not going anywhere and that our world is a safe place again.

“Babe...” -I whisper to her ear as my fingers brush her silky hair, lightly- “... don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I reacted that way. It just... it just caught me by surprise, that’s all, okay? Can you forgive me? Please?”

And she sobs, openly.

My heart breaks.

“Oh God... babe... I’m so, so sorry... please forgive me...”

Her sobbing starts to quiet down and I pull her even tighter to me. After some minutes, her breathing starts to resemble something normal and I finally, let out a thankful sigh.

“Can you forgive me, love, please?”

She keeps her face buried in my shoulder but I can feel her nodding against me.

‘Thank you, God’

“Okay Ker... okay babe... let’s go to sleep. Let’s get you to bed”.

“Okay...” -she mutters, still clinging to me.

“Okay” -I say.

(End of Chapter V)