"Beasts Within" Chapter V (ER Fan Fiction)

Pairing: Kerry/Kim

Rating: PG

Words: 1,165

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters have been borrowed without permission but without any intent or purpose of commercial gain.

~~~

We are home now and for the first time since we got back together, I wish we weren’t.

I wish I was somewhere else, perhaps in my own home. In my own home getting ready to go out with someone new, unknown, yet to be discovered, someone full of possibilities.

I growl at myself for thinking and feeling the way I do. But I can’t help it, too many things going on inside my head and my heart at the moment, too many confusing thoughts and feelings ever since I found that brochure. That brochure.

I got home around 3 o’clock and after changing into a much more comfortable pair of shorts and t-shirt, I walked around the house wondering what chore to tackle first. I decided to tide up things a bit as we had not had the chance to do anything in the past few days and the townhouse in all honesty, was starting to look messy. So, vacuum in tow, I started with Kerry’s office which doubles as our den and our study, for now.

And suddenly there it was, just outside the paper basket.

It was some promotional brochure sent by gaywedings.com to Kerry, about all the packages for gay and lesbian couples’ union ceremonies. Anything from the ceremony itself to ring styles to travel arrangements was there, everything.

At first I thought it was kind of cute; my Kerry in full knight paraphernalia, taking care of our wedding like any good old knight would do. Thoughts of her standing at the altar waiting for me, inundated my mind and tickled my heart.

But then, it hit me.

Am I just going to be a bystander in all this? Don’t I get to say anything about what I want, when do I want it, how do I want it? “It is my wedding too”, I muttered.

Angrily I started to inspect the heap of papers and magazines on top of Kerry’s desk and not long after, I found the rest of the promotional kit for “our” ceremony. Underneath, a legal pad on which Kerry had started a list and jotted down commentaries about possible dates, guests, package choices, honeymoon destinations. Everything was there, all ready to go, all ready to be delivered.

“I can’t believe this shit..!” -I cursed furiously.

I left everything at the desk, except for the initial brochure. Way too upset to keep on cleaning, I shoveled the vacuum back in its closet and sit for a while in front of the TV; anything to distract my mind.

An hour later, Kerry comes in the door.

After greeting me with a kiss that I’m unable to return, Kerry turns around and asks, “Kim, is there something wrong, honey?”

I pause and wonder if I should address her question for I’m way too angry to be able to answer in a coherent manner. However, there’s no time like the present.

Grabbing the brochure and slipping it out of my pocket, I ask, “What the hell is this?”

She looks at the crumpled piece of paper in my hand and gasps.

“I... uhmm... I just thought that perhaps I could start to get things moving...”

“All by yourself?” -I demand harshly.

“You were just so busy, I did not...”

“What? You didn’t want to bother me with it? What kind of game is this, were you planning to get married all by yourself?”

“Kim, I just wanted to get things going... I mean, look for information, weight out our options...”

“Are you crazy? This is my life too! Who gave you the right to decide for me, to think for me? I can’t believe this! I’m so... Gosh! I’m so angry!”

“But Kim...”

I turn to look at her, outraged. Her face is pale and there is an unmistakable look of fear in her eyes. I stand close to her now and raise the index finger of my right hand, just inches away from her face.

“We better get something straight here, Kerry. I love you, I adore you. But... you need to understand that I’m not your child. You need to understand that I am a grown up woman and that I do not appreciate any of this. You can make certain decisions for us but you need to learn that you are not, and I repeat not, entitled to decide everything for the two of us... is that clear?”

Her face resembles that of a frightened bunny. Tears well up in her eyes. Suddenly, I feel so very guilty.

“You’re right Kim. I’m sorry... I never meant...”

“I’m going jogging. I’ll be back later”.

And taking my sweat shirt, discman and house keys, I storm out.

Three hours later, I come back.

I find her in the den, asleep.

Her wet, auburn hair, shines against the light coming from the corner floor lamp. I move towards her slowly trying not to startle her from her slumber of peace. Once I’m in front of her, I kneel and look up to study her face. All puffy and red, I realize that face has been crying. That face I have seen in surprise, in delight, in pain, in struggle, in joy, in elation. This face has cried and it has, because of me.

I stand up and as I’m about to reach for the remote to turn the TV off, she awakens.

“You’re back… Kim… I wanted to apologize. I did not mean to dec…”

“It’s okay, Ker. I am sorry. I said things I should not have... I’m sorry, babe...”

And her face, again, wrinkles in tears. I lean to her and take her in my arms, her small frame clinging to me in earnest, her quiet sobs rattling my soul.

“I’m really sorry Ker, I never meant to cause you this pain... I’m sorry...”

I hug her tightly to me, feeling her breasts against mine, her arms grabbing me tightly to her, almost in an attempt to retain me there, forever.

I want, more than anything else, to reassure her that I’m not going anywhere and that our world is a safe place again.

“Babe...” -I whisper to her ear as my fingers brush her silky hair, lightly- “... don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I reacted that way. It just... it just caught me by surprise, that’s all, okay? Can you forgive me? Please?”

And she sobs, openly.

My heart breaks.

“Oh God... babe... I’m so, so sorry... please forgive me...”

Her sobbing starts to quiet down and I pull her even tighter to me. After some minutes, her breathing starts to resemble something normal and I finally, let out a thankful sigh.

“Can you forgive me, love, please?”

She keeps her face buried in my shoulder but I can feel her nodding against me.

‘Thank you, God’

“Okay Ker... okay babe... let’s go to sleep. Let’s get you to bed”.

“Okay...” -she mutters, still clinging to me.

“Okay” -I say.

(End of Chapter V)

"Beasts Within" Chapter IV (ER Fan Fiction)

Pairing: Kerry/Kim

Rating: PG

Words: 2,941

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters have been borrowed without permission but without any intent or purpose of commercial gain.

~~~

‘Hmmm...’ -I breath deep and evenly trying to recognize the slightly fruity and fresh scent emanating from my colleague. ‘Fendi...? Nah... Fendi’s different. Banana Republic’s Classic? Yeah... that might be it... God, it’s good...’

“Well, I got to run. Dr. Weaver is expecting me to go with her to this meeting across town...”

“A meeting?” -I ask.

“Yeah, we have a meeting at Mercy’s... ‘Psychological Interventions for Trauma Patients...’ you know, one of those stupid seminars that assumes one knows nothing about psych interventions in the ER. Got to run, okay? You know, things to do, people to see...”

She smiles and pads me on the shoulder, then leaves.

Suddenly I am shaken by a flow of emotions. ‘Kerry did not mention any seminar this morning. Hmmm... this is so unlike her. Well, perhaps it was one of those spur-of-the-moment Romano shitty things but still, she would have called me...’

My pager sounds and I retrieve it to check it. It’s Kerry.

Smiling I think, ‘ESP...’

I flip open my cell phone and call her back.

-“Hi baby! Where are you?” -She asks as soon as she hears my voice.

“Just in Magoo’s getting a cup of coffee”.

“Listen babe, I have to go to Mercy’s. I have a psycho babble seminar. Is Gillian there with you?”

‘Does her voice sound too excited when asking about Gillian, or is it my imagination?’

“She was. I think she just went inside to get her things”.

“Oh, okay. Can you find her and tell her to wait for me at the bay? I still have to go get the car...”

“Yeah, sure...”

I stop in mid sentence. All of sudden and for some unknown reason, I feel inadequate and absolutely, uncertain.

In three words, I feel jealous.

“Ker..?”

“Yeah honey..?”

“Can you call me when you get back?”

“Of course, I always do. I don’t think it’ll be more than a couple of hours. I’ll call you, okay? Got to go, now”.

“Ker...”

“Uhhumm..?”

“I love you...”

“I love you too, babe. See you later?”

“Okay, bye then”.

“Bye”.

I flip the phone and now I am certain that I feel a combination of rage and jealousy. Half of my brain understands perfectly well that this is a work-related activity and that there is nothing suspicious or strange about two colleagues going to a seminar together. The other half... well, the other half is ready to decapitate Gillian for... what? What?

I stand up and leave a couple of bills on top of the table. That should take care of the coffees. I breath deeply, trying to compose myself. I accomplish the desired control only partially as the leash works well in my body, not so much in my soul.

However, I do manage to quiet my mind to stillness by force, ‘Oh come on Kim, get a hold of yourself. This is Kerry we’re talking about here. I mean, she loves you, she asked you to marry her. She gave you a ring. Get a grip for Christ’s sake!’

I throw a couple of crumpled napkins in the garbage bin outside the ER entrance and as I’m about to enter, Gillian comes out.

“Gillian, Dr. Weaver asked me to tell you to wait for her here at the bay”.

“Oh, thank you Kim. Perfect! I’ll see you later Kim, okay?”

“Sure...”

I enter the ER but just before the doors close behind me, I hear the sound of Kerry’s car horn. I turn.

Well, nothing earth-shattering takes place. Gillian waves and walks towards the car, opens the door, gets inside and the car leaves. Simple. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I sigh.

‘See..? Nothing to it Kim... nothing to it...’

~~~ 

“So you walked him out the ER? What were you thinking, I mean, he could have...”

“Yeah, I know... I wasn’t really thinking... Dr. Weaver?”

“Uhummm?”

“Would there be a problem if I called you Kerry? I really like your name”.

‘Did she just say she likes my name..?’

“Sure Gillian, you can call me Kerry. You like my name, uh? That’s weird...”

“Why is it weird? You don’t like it?”

‘Is she leaning towards me?’

“Oh no, I do. It’s just not very common”. -I answer softly, distracted by her 

hand touching my forearm. ‘Whoa…!’

“Yeah, actually quite an uncommon but cute, Irish name. I like it, I like it a lot... Just the way I like you...”

‘I must be hearing things because I’m almost positive she just said she liked me a lot...’

“Pardon?” -I stutter a response.

“Doctors please, let’s start today’s session...”

‘Good God! Saved by the bell’. -I think as I try very hard not to let one muscle twitch. As I try hard to control my breathing that had accelerated in the past 30 seconds, I carefully roll my eyes down only to discover a couple of fingers still resting by the crook of my elbow. ‘Oh shit! What the hell is this?’

And then, for the ‘piece de resistance’, she leans to me and whispers in my ear, “Kerry, I said that I liked you a lot...”

All I’m able to do is turn around and shyly smile at her.

‘Huh?’

The seminar goes on as expected. Nothing new or outrageously note-worthy takes place. Gillian takes the required notes and every so often, glances my way. I ignore her pretending to hear the words of the speaker. However, she pulls me in, dragging my attention to her every time I sense her gorgeous hazel eyes, over me.

‘Oh God... Am I being unfaithful? Is this how flings begin? Oh come on Kerry, get a grip! The woman is not flirting with you… she’s just been… friendly… Breath and relax Kerry, breath and relax…’

Instead of my breathing, I sense hers... so close to mine. Suddenly, like before, she’s upon me.

Again, she leans. I can feel the mass of her torso, the heat and softness of her body on my right upper arm and her soft, deep voice in my ear. I flush.

“Would you like to have lunch with me?”

I am paralyzed by fear. I can’t answer back nor are my eyes able to meet her defiant gaze.

“So, would you?” -She insists.

“Uh... uh... I don’t know if I should...”

“It’s just lunch Kerry…”

“Yeah… -I swallow hard. My hands tremble. My heart jumps inside my chest- … sure…”

“Okay, let’s go then”.

She stands up and offers me her hand. I take it, not exactly knowing why and instantly she squeezes my fingers and smiles at me.

‘Shit’.

~~~

Easy...the world is regaining its balance.

‘What do I have to worry about, I mean, I’m imagining things… Gillian is pretty, intelligent and appealing but she has not shown any real, and I mean real indications of liking Kerry romantically or sexually. No, no, no… No way! Sooo, easy Legaspi, easy. Okay, so you can be a little jealous… so what, right? But things are okay… Kerry is yours and you’re hers and that’s the end of the story’.

So, I do my best to concentrate in the charts in front of me while the minutes tick, one at a time.

“Is it ever going to be time for lunch?” - I shout.

~~~

‘And…there she comes…The girl is definitely beautiful, objectively, I mean. She speaks well, looks to be well read, good upbringing. She’s intelligent too… who would have thought? And gallant… yeah, gallant…’

“Hey Kerry…” -She greets me with her gorgeous velvety voice.

“Gillian…”

“You had been at Mercy before, right?”

“Yeah… only a few times, though…”

Gillian stares at me like a ten month-old would at his milk bottle. What determination in really listening to every word I utter. Look at her. Her left arm bent over the table, left hand hugging her long neck while her other hand rest in her lap. Ears uncovered, mane falling down her back. Her expression of absolute concentration. I am petrified as much as I’m delighted by all this attention.

“What do you do when you’re not at County?” -She asks passing her hand over her golden hair and bringing her mane to one side of her head.

“Uh… you know… the usual… movies, concerts, flower shows…”

“You like flower shows?”

“Yeah… does that surprise you?” -I ask with a smile on my face.

‘What are you doing Weaver?’

“No, actually it doesn’t. You look like the type who would…”

I can’t help it. I have to bite the bait.

“Uh huh… and what type is that?”

Her face sketches a wide smile revealing her perfect, impossibly white teeth. Her lips move as to answer but suddenly, stop. She smiles again and ventures forward.

“Like the kind who likes flowers…”

I smirk at her as we both know, or at least I think we both know, that her answer is not the one I expected.

“Yeah… I like flowers a lot”.

“That’s sweet. What is your favorite?”

‘Careful…’

“Uh… it varies… roses primarily…”

‘’Where are you going Weaver..?’

“But not just red, right?”

‘Fuck’

“Uh… no… not always…”

‘Kerry, are you for real..?’

“Mixed… the ones that have borders in contrasting colors, am I wrong?”

I’m blushing and in sheer panic. I have to go back, this is too much.

“Will you excuse me? I have to go to the Ladies room…” -I ask hurriedly as I stand up. Not believing my own eyes, Gillian gets up too, stands behind me and moves my chair back allowing me easier access. Just like any courteous man on a regular date.

‘Oh Lord...’

“Thank you”. -I mutter to her, shyly.

“You are always very welcome, Kerry”. -She says in what appears to be a very soft, tender whisper.

‘Whoa...! This is way too much, way too much…’

Running, literally, I manage to escape to the Ladies Room and frantically get inside. Once there I lock the door and lean on it. I try to catch my breath and place my left arm upon my chest feeling my heart leap wildly inside me.

“I can’t do this… I can’t…” -I whisper to myself- “… I can’t”.

Shaking my head I walk a couple of steps and lean against the sink. Nervously, my fingers turn the faucet and cold water starts pouring out. I cup some in my hands and spread it all over my face.

“I have to go back home”. -I say to myself.

Gathering my lost composure, I head back to our cafeteria table.

Time to go home.

~~~

“You’re back? Oh honey… I’m so happy you’re back…” -I say as soon as I hear her beautiful voice.

“Kim honey, I was just out for what, three hours? It’s not like I was away for weeks! Are you alright?”

‘Okay Kim, pace yourself. You don’t want to alarm her. Easy… breath…’

“Yeah I’m sorry, Ker. How did it go?”

“You know, the usual, boring stuff…”

“Did you have lunch together?”

“Well yes…uh... it was kind of ... uh... lunchtime you know…?”

‘Is she stuttering? I think she just stuttered there for a minute…’

“Uh… yes… that’s why I asked, Ker”.

“Sorry babe, I’m just bothered by the fact that the thing took longer than expected and it wasn’t really productive, you know?”

“Yeah… I know how those things are. And where did you have lunch?”

“Uh… just at the cafeteria… listen, I have to run babe, okay? Talk to you later?”

‘Why is she in such a hurry?’

“Do you have a trauma coming in?”

“No, not really, I just have to get going in some things. I’ll talk to you later. 

Bye now”.

“Bye…”

I sit here in my office. What did just happen? Nothing really. She came back, called me, we talked. The usual.

So, why do I feel like something is not right? Why is it that I can’t breath? Why do I feel so afraid?

“Snap out of it, Kim! You’re imagining things!” -I say to myself, trying to sound as enthusiastic and upbeat as I can.

Shaking my head I try to destroy the anxiety that suddenly washes over me.

“Easy… breath… see?”

But I don’t see.

I can’t see…

~~~

The rubber point of my crutch makes some noise as I slowly walk on the soft gravel that covers the floor on the terrace. I walk all the way to the edge and lean on the rail.

As my eyes float on the sight of the mighty city below me, I try desperately to gather my thoughts and analyze every event of the day. With all my might I dismember each little bit of information, every image, every memory of everything that has taken place.

Nothing has really taken place.

‘I really cannot say that something happened. Perhaps I just imagined all this. She is an attractive, interesting woman and anybody would be at least, mildly flattered by her attention. But… was her attention anything so special..? I mean, really. What did she do, she stood in line to get the food? Abby has done that before. What else..? She listened to me while I talked? Kim does that…’

“Kim…” -I mutter- “should I say anything to Kim? I mean, what should I tell her? That I think her junior attending is making a pass at me? Right… like I would inspire her to do that…”

‘But I should tell her… something. I should say something. I practically ran out of that hospital so I just cannot have imagined everything. But… what if this girl was just testing the waters, sort of speak? I mean, she really did not do anything… did she?’

“Hey…”

I turn and find my guardian angel, as usual, a couple of steps behind me. I smile as she approaches.

“What are you doing here? Are you okay?” -she asks in that warm voice of hers.

My eyes cannot leave her and I can’t stop smiling. As she leans over the rail, by my side, I place my left arm over her shoulders and pull her towards me. She tenses a little but I don’t let her go. I really feel fondness for this young woman and decide and that very moment, that I should let her know.

“You are my best friend, Abby. Thank you”.

Surprised and deeply blushed she grins shyly and hides her face from me, by turning her head and looking away.

“Abby... Look at me…”

“Oh come on, Kerry. You’re embarrassing me…”

“I mean it, Abby. Besides Kim, you’re probably the person I trust the most. You’re always there… always watching me… protecting me… I don’t know why, but you always are”.

Abby’s eyes are shut now. She is listening to my words with a great effort as she looks ready to break free and run away, far and fast. Away from me.

“I just wanted to let you know that, Abby. I know what happens when we don’t say in time, what we really feel inside. I could not bear to go through life again knowing that I cared for somebody and never let them know. So there, there you have it. I care for you, Abby, deeply. Thank you for everything”.

As I finish my words, I pull her even closer and plant a soft kiss on her temple.

“You can count on me, as your friend, for the rest of your life Abby”. -I add, softly.

Her eyes are still closed but she smiles now. I let her lose and immediately turn to leave.

As I’m leaving I feel a giggle inside my stomach. It is still very hard to dwell in this business of spilling the emotional beans but God, it feels so good inside.

As I’m about to open the door, I hear Abby’s voice, “Thank you, Kerry…”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. You are very welcome”.

I smile and get inside.

The elevators’ doors open and I walk slowly towards Kim’s office door. It is open, a sign she’s not seeing any patients and I’m free to go in. As I peek my head inside, I find my wife’s eyes buried in charts and books, making notes and scratching her head at the same time.

“Hey…” -I say softly.

She looks up and her blue sapphires greet me with a smile.

‘I absolutely adore my wife’.

“Hi..! You startled me a bit”.

“I’m sorry…” -I say as I come in and close the door behind me. Slowly, I let my crutch takes me to her side. I glanced down and look at her as her eyes go back to her notes. I stop by her side, my knees touching her thigh. My left hand takes a hold of her right arm and she looks up with a surprised look on her face.

“Ker?”

I don’t answer. Instead, I keep pulling her to me. She yields and slowly, stands up to meet me. She still has that bewildered look on her face that I crave for, so much.

When she’s finally up facing me, I softly say, “Kim, would you marry me?”

Her previous look of surprise transforms itself in nano seconds, into a wonderful expression of tenderness and sheer love.

“Yes Kerry…” -She mutters as her strong, lean arms wrap me tightly to her. My nose ends up buried in her chest and I cannot think of another possible place that I rather live and die on, than her chest. I sigh elated, and whisper, “Thank you…”

(End of Chapter IV)

"Beasts Within" Chapter III (ER Fan Fiction)

Pairing: Kerry/Kim

Rating: M for Mature (Sexual situation)

Words: 2,484

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters have been borrowed without permission but without any intent or purpose of commercial gain.

~~~

Kim’s SUV is way too high for me. What an unfortunate thing too as I really like this car. Okay I’m in, finally. Let’s see... ignition, okay... headlights...uhumm... gas pedal... do I reach the damn thing? Uh... well, kind of...’

“New car, Kerry?”

Startled, I look up and find Luka’s sweet eyes staring at me.

“Hi Luka... uh... no, this is Kim’s”.

“Aha! You’re off for the day?”

“Yeah... finally”.

“How’s your throat doing? Abby told me you had tonsillitis again”.

“Yeah... again. Listen, can you do me favor?”

He nods, smiling.

“Can you call medicine tomorrow in the morning and make an appointment for me? I have to have these removed, I can’t handle being sick every month. Can you?”

“Gladly. No problem”.

“Okay, thanks. I’ll be here at noon tomorrow”.

“Sure. I’ll see you then”.

And he waves goodbye leaving me in the parking lot alone with this giant SUV as my mind starts wondering again. “We really need to get something else, smaller or something... this one’s way too high for me...” -I mutter to myself as I turn on the engine- “Plus, later, we might need something less sporty because of the kids...”

“Kids? Did I just say, kids?” -I say out loud.

Driving along the highway at this time of the day is hell. Way too many people on the streets. They all just want to get home. As I change lanes and signal for the next exit, all cars stop.

“Shit! What is it now?” -I say to myself.

Through the windshield I can see a bunch of swirling lights and moments later my ears register the ever present sound of sirens.

“An accident... Like I needed this...”

As I become aware of the fact that hitting the steering wheel, coursing at everyone around me and frantically changing radio stations is really not going to allow me to get home any faster, I breath heavily and recline back into the driver’s seat.

My thoughts wonder to all the phone calls, reservations and other errands I have to do if I want to have everything ready for the ceremony on time.

‘A commitment ceremony... hmm... it does sound kind of nice. Commitment... Aha! Kind of scary word in there. I mean... uh... uh... I love Kim, with all my heart but... but... commitment... commitment...’

I sit quietly and stare ahead of me without actually looking at anything in particular. Suddenly, I am reminded of Gillian.

“Gillian... nice name”.

I sigh.

‘Was this Gillian person hitting on me?’ -I rub my eyebrows in a futile effort to clear my mind; it never really works.

‘It looked like it... hmm... this is so weird... Nah... why would she be doing such a thing with a body and a face like that. First of all, we don’t know if the girl is even gay and second, even if she was, why would she be interested in me? Nah... forget it’.

My cell phone rings.

“Ker?”

My wife... I smile to the phone, “Hi baby!”

“Where are you? You’re missing Joan and Melissa’s red carpet thing!”

“Uh...I’m like seven minutes away from home, sweetie. Unfortunately there’s an accident right on the exit ramp”.

“Oh, bummer. Do you want me to tape it for you? You’re missing some outrageous outfits...”

“Nah... that’s okay. I really can’t stand those women, anyway”.

“Okay... but you don’t know what you’re missing... hurry, okay?”

“Yes love, I’ll do my best”.

“See you in a bit then”.

“Yes. You’ll see me in a bit. Bye”.

“Bye”.

And I’m alone again with the giant SUV.

~~~ 

Abby is sitting across from me in a booth over at Magoo’s. She’s hungrily taking bites of her tuna sandwich and staring out at the window as I do my best to control myself.

She turns and looks at me.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

I keep on staring at her without saying a word. I try to collect my thoughts but I blurt it out, “Is there anything you might want to tell me?”

“About what?” -she asks, taking another bite of her beloved sandwich.

“About Kerry and me”.

“Ah... that”.

“So, is there?”

“Kim... are you happy?”

I don’t understand her question and my brow arches hoping to induce a further explanation.

“I mean...” -she goes on- “...with Kerry...”

Now I’m really lost.

“Why... yes! Why would you ask a thing like that?”

She squirms in her seat and suddenly looks like she’s feeling a tad uncomfortable.

“Why don’t you go and ask her whatever is that you want to know instead of being here asking me?”

Another chunk of bread and tuna disappears in her mouth.

“You said you knew something I didn’t know...” -I mutter quietly.

“Yeah, so? I’m sure there are a lot of things that I know that you don’t know”.

She pauses and quizzes my face. She goes on.

“You don’t really want to know, do you?” -She adds.

Now, I’m the one feeling uncomfortable. She notices it.

“What is it, Kim?”

I look at Abby. I look at her and realize, perhaps for the first time, the honesty reflected on her brown eyes. If I didn’t love Kerry I would easily fall for this woman.

And those gorgeous brown eyes.

“Come on, Kim...”

“I know what you meant the other day...” -I volunteer in a whisper.

“And..?”

I try to talk but the same words that were stumbling to come out before now get stuck in my throat.

“You’re scared...” -she ventures.

I nod, silently. Abby’s hand leaves the sandwich, wipes itself on the napkin, flies over the table and grabs mine. Her small, soft fingers, tickle me.

“But... why?”

I look up and my eyes take a quick look at her then, they turn outwards.

“I love her Abby, with all my heart. Please don’t think that I don’t...”

“I know you do...”

“And loving her feels...” -my hand leaves Abby’s and lands on my chest, open and wide- “... like if I had never loved anyone before. It’s... it’s...”

“Overwhelming...” -she volunteers, helping me in the struggle.

“Yes... overwhelming...”

“And that scares you...”

I nod. Again. Feeling a little courageous, I go on.

“It petrifies me Abby, so much so I can’t breath. Sometimes, at home when she sleeps, I turn and look at her and my heart... hurts. It hurts when I remember how close I came to losing her, how much we have gone through together... but mostly it hurts because I feel that this is it, she’s the one. There will never be anything or anyone else, quite like her”.

“So you’re afraid of losing her or afraid of... what?”

“As much as I love her and as much as I need her I’m also afraid of having to give up a part of me...”

“I’m sorry Kim, I don’t think I understand you”.

“Listen Abby, we go through life looking for that one person that will complete us, that will or so we think, meet our every dream and every desire. If you’re lucky like me, you realize that the gift is not for free. You have to be responsible, and careful and respectful or you can loose that person. And that’s scary Abby. It’s not only scary because of the potential pain one can go through but also because of everything else that one has to give up in order to keep the gift. And it is not a labor, it’s not a sacrifice per se but at times, God! At times it’s overwhelming. At times, I’m afraid at the thought of having arrived at the end of my journey... no more dates, no more discoveries, no more first times, no more flirting... I’m afraid of fucking things up. I’m afraid at the thought of losing her in any way. I’m afraid of not being able to meet her expectations... Oh, Lord... I’m just afraid.

“Kim...”

I can’t respond to Abby as million images start racing in my head; the first time I kissed a woman, the first time I was kissed, the first time I went to a lesbian bar, the first time a woman told me that she loved me...

“Kim!”

I snap out of myself and encounter Abby’s eyes, once again.

“I think you really need to talk to Kerry. I’m sure she feels like you do too. It’s scary, I mean, it’s scary to give up on a world of opportunities and chances out there. Not easy. It’s a leap of faith, Kim. You have to be sure you want to take it. She needs you to be sure you want to take it”.

“I can’t talk to Kerry about this Abby, she’ll think that I don’t love her, she’ll be hurt and I don’t want to hurt her, Christ! I just need to take this easy... I need time to adjust to the idea. Oh, I don’t know...”

I carry Abby’s last words with me all throughout the rest of my shift. 

Fortunately, the fact that Gillian is mostly downstairs in the ER, allows me the solitude I need to process the conversation with Abby.

The truth of the matter is that I am terrified at the finality of marrying Kerry. 

There, I said it. Ninety something percent of me is convinced and eager to marry her, build a home with her, carry and bear children for her and grow old with the woman that has almost come to define my very existence.

But the other part of me wants to keep on having the freedom of dating and dancing and making out in movie theaters or bars. That other part of me loves the fact that I still have my own home where I can just throw anything around without having to worry about Kerry coming after me because of the mess. That other part of Kim Legaspi still wants to travel across France with just a backpack, eating nothing but paté and cheap crackers.

Oh... I don’t know...

I don’t know.

~~~

We’re finally home and safe. I glance lazily to the den and see Kim stretched out in the couch in front of the TV watching some show. I lean down on the top of the kitchen isle to stare at her and catch the moment.

I cannot, for the life of me, get over her. It is just not her beauty, God no! It’s the mere and undeniable fact that this being, who could have chosen to be with anyone in the whole wide world, chose to be… with me. I just simply cannot get over that fact.

Because of that I will be eternally grateful. To her and to whoever or whatever force brought her to me.

I sigh.

At times like this, I feel powerless, weak. I wish I had extraordinary powers that would enable me to grant her every wish. But the sad truth is that I have no power whatsoever to accomplish such a feat. The only thing I have to give her is myself, my life. That’s all.

It is at that moment that I feel the need, the ache. That one that leaves my mouth dry and my hands wondering… looking for something they really have not lost.

I finish drying the dishes and turning off the lights, I leave the kitchen behind. I can already feel my body changing; my breathing shortening, my loins tensing. I go over her and just take her hand in mine and stare at her, not saying one word and hoping my eyes will convey the message.

They do.

And now she’s beneath me, naked. I kiss her hungrily, parting her soft but anxious lips with my tongue. I breath deeply through my nostrils and take her scent into my brain. I recognize it, I recognize us. The smell is ours, it is nothing but our desires mixed together.

She’s pressing herself against me and I retrieve my hips preventing her from obtaining the pleasure she’s seeking. I don’t want it to end just yet. I want this feeling, my feeling, our feeling to last a while longer. I need it to last a while longer.

I kiss her again and she moans; a desperate plea for me to release her aching.

In the hopes she will understand what I need, I hold her head by placing both of my hands onto the sides of her face. Her eyes are closed, the lines in her forehead are crooked in agony. The agony of me.

“Babe, open your eyes...”

She shakes her head and moans again while her hips jerk against mine. I moan too at the sudden and violent approximation.

“Honey please, open your eyes, look at me”.

“Don’t move honey, let me...”

“I have to move Ker ...” -And a divine touch ravishes me once again almost making go over the edge.

“Don’t move baby, please. I want to do it for you, I want to make you come. 

Don’t move, please”.

And she stops. I kiss her again and move my lips to her ear. My ragged breathing is cut by my words, “I love you, babe...”

She nods furiously but her hips are still, resting on the bed.

It is in that precise moment when I press and thrust forward, letting my sex cover hers.

She moans harder this time as I feel the soles of her feet push against the back of my thighs, “Kerry... please...”

That does it. I cannot control myself any longer and I push hard and deep against her.

Her whole body arches to meet mine and she comes with a cry that lasts several seconds. That sound triggers me off and I come immediately afterwards, convulsing on top of her.

Afterwards, I watch her sleep. I asked her to put her pj’s on as it is a cold night and the last thing I want, is for her to get sick. She’s sleeping on her side, right arm under the pillow, left arm clutching her bear tightly. I can still feel our scents mixed in the air of the bedroom and suddenly I realize I’m not sleepy, not even tired.

I get up slowly trying not to wake her. I put my pajamas bottoms on and the worn out sweat shirt I was wearing before. I grab my crutch and quietly, head to the kitchen.

I make myself some tea and sit by the cushions on the windowsill. It is cold spring night and the wind is blowing from the lake. From my secluded position I can see the lights of boats entering the river and can hear their sirens as they approach shore.

They’re home, they’re safe.

Like me.

(End of Chapter III)